I should sue...

GUY RITCHIE!

For making a barbaric, ruffian travesty of the once gentlemanly and well-mannered Sherlock HOLMES!!!

And to have done so using Tony Stark, of all people...
Or is that Charlie Chaplin?

And Jude Law is way too skin-and-bones to play a convincing Watson - COME ON!
Never mind the damnable English accent...!

The entire thing would have been much more credible if it had been an attempt at recreating The Wild Wild West - alas, Will Smith, Kevin Kline and that awful American director I will not even bother to name here, succeeded in ruining that YEARS ago already...!

Sherlock had to be next... I mean *HOLMES!*

What is going to be seen coming at us now - a revamped (for the worst) Charlie Chan, perhaps - with JACKIE CHAN in the title role? Chuck Norris in a remake of "The Old Man And The Sea" (the only reason why the Sea had the best of the Old Man in the book and all previous film adaptations? Because the Old Man was not Chuck Norris! Guy Ritchie can rectify that now!) or Jean-Claude Van Damme as Don Quixote - with Danny DeVito as Sancho Panza (come on, Dan: it is a better role than The Penguin was! Or that your version of it was, rather...) and what of that odd couple for the millennium, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson as the NEW Men From U.N.C.L.E. after that (hey - that was my idea! The Wedding Crashers as the best Thrush Thwarters around! Makes total complete sense to me after THIS...)

I can see aaaaall that happening now - very, very soon!

Holmes (sorry - HOLMES!) as a hirsute, rough-around-the-edges, burly, brutish even BOXER and smelly sleuth whose personal hygiene is put into question - WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP...! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle must be rolling in his grave over this and this alone - it is enough, I tell you!

To have the actor raising the possibility that HOLMES might even be GAY on top of all that is enough reason to SUE, all right!

And let's not get into the villain chosen for this piece - it might be aggravating beyond the realm of a mere lawsuit! So let's avoid that at all costs - a counter-suit is at risk...!

Let's neither get on the case of the equally lousy Watson...
Nor the presence of the suddenly overused Rachel McAdams...!

Moriarty might sue for being left out of this one - and ''saved'' for the next flick!

Unless it is that giant of a man who sues for having been used and abused like a Richard ''Jaws'' Kiel, jadis, and forced to effectively ''job'' to a pint-sized Downey Jr...!





And maybe, also, perhaps, we can sue Guy for having divorced that Mad Onna, causing her to seek (further) sacrilegious fame in seeking (not so desperately - but still pathetically enough) a tadpole who simply happened to be named... Jesus.

And then there was one named LUZ too - which I take offense to, on a very personal level - but that is another story, too!

Let's try and remain focused here, solely on HOLMES!

I guess I really have got a tooth (and a case) against Guy here, don't I?
And besides, who else is there to do it? I mean, Arthur Conan Doyle cannot do it himself from where he is (he's not even tossing and turning in his grave over this, I assure thee: where he truly is, he has absolutely no importance whatsoever to attribute to all of this stuff anymore! I merely jested about his rolling over in the grave: any true believer knows better than that! ACD is not six feet under - his soul is FREE! But all that is another story: a beautiful story, for a change...)

The truth is that the kind Sir's estate doesn't seem to think anything's wrong here, in any regard - if they are not suing, how dare we then...?

Well - as I always say (especially when I lambaste) I dare because I care!)

Thus, it truly is up to MOI...!

To sue, to castigate, to run through the mud, tar and feathers...!

You know what?
I think I'll let it fly, this time...!

:-P